It's that time of year again. The time of year when we force our children to go to the mall, stand in line, and sit on the lap of some fat old guy wearing a fake beard and a Santa suit that smells like stale whiskey, Cheetos and Ben-Gay. And please, children, don't forget to tell this man what you want for Christmas.
We are not the "dress up in frilly things and sit pretty for the camera" kind of people (shocking, right?) so I've never bothered to put the girls in anything other than what they were already wearing to go visit Mr. Claus.
In 2011, both girls were SO excited to go see Santa! You could practically hear their thoughts.
"This man can get us exactly what we want for Christmas! We can totally by-pass Momma and Daddy! Who cares if they are happy? We just need to please this man in the red suit! Suckolios..."
We stood in line for maybe 10 minutes which was tolerable for them both. When it was our turn, Hayden went running for Mall Santa and was thrilled to climb in his lap and smile like the manipulative little shit sweet little angel that she is. I swear I could hear her eyes batting.
Lucy? Not so much. Lucy was happy until about the time I placed her on Santa's other leg. Now, she didn't cry, she didn't scream, she didn't get down or run off. No...not Lucy. She sat frozen on his leg and refused to make contact with anything but the ground.
The photographer, Brad & I all jumped around and waved our arms like crazy. We called her name, we made stupid noises, we said "smiiiiiiiiiile Luuuuuuucy". Nothing worked. We did this for an hour! Ok, we did this for like 90 seconds and she finally looked at us for the picture.
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| Pissed. OFF. |
Not to mention the fact that she looks freaking enormous. I mean like, front page of the National Enquirer enormous. Like she ate the last idiot that tried to make her pose for this picture.
*sigh*
2012 was different. This year, the girls actually requested that they wear their "beautiful dresses" they had worn over Thanksgiving when we went to see The Nutcracker. They had baths, brushed their teeth, combed their hair, got dressed and ready to go without even a little fuss. Apparently they want to please Santa this year. Ok, offspring o' mine, game on.
We got to the mall about the same time as Santa which was nice because there was only one person in front of us. Both girls were on their best behavior (for a change) and were pretty content to just hang out and wait. The excitement about being able to see Santa from where they stood was almost too much to handle. Hayden asked me about 4.9 million times "can I see Santa now?"
If I had a dollar for every time I have uttered the words "in a minute" over the past several months, I'd be retired and spending my time in one of four houses scattered throughout the country.
"In a minute, Hayden."
Then it was our turn! Once again, Hayden rushed to Santa's side and was more than happy to be sitting on his lap. Lucy? Oh no...not again. Instead of putting her on his lap this year, I put her on the bench next to him. She looked at the floor...looked at me...gave a very Lucy-esque sideways stare to Santa and then looked at the photographer.
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| They all have on the same boots! |
I'm fairly certain that Lucy is thinking "you f*cking people are as ridiculous as this asshat in the Santa suit sitting next to me." That's not a smile..it's a smirk.
Happy Holidays. Pass the Tylenol.
